It's me and You, God
I received a prophetic word a while back that pinpointed what I’d say was the underlying thread throughout my life’s story. An extremely painful thread, might I add. One that nagged me at every turn, tainted my view of life, sabotaged my dreams and aspirations, and all but crippled me in times past, even as a Christian. The man was dead on in beginning his prophesy by saying that I’d felt invisible beside my highly-visible husband.
It was unhealthy for me to define myself as such. And since becoming a Christian, I’d been fighting it. But demonically-inspired mindsets are difficult to break. Especially when their roots dated back to my childhood and were reinforced time and again over the decades until invisibility, insignificance, (and shame because of it) became a fortress of ‘truth as I knew it’—a shrine to justify my self-pity. It didn’t help matters that my husband of over forty years experienced life at warp speed (first outside the law and now inside as a 37-year follower of Jesus Christ), and has survived to tell the shocking stories (some of them, because only ‘a fool tells all’). Bill is remarkable, actually. Memorable. Noteworthy.
Then there was Debbie, his wife—the invisible, and thus insignificant one at his side. That was my overall feeling anyway, for way too long. No matter how supportive others were, there was always an underlying sense of shame because I felt second rate as Bill’s tag-along.
So, a life of insignificance and shame was where I lived. But not happily.
When God powerfully showed me my life’s call to prayer and to preach the Good News, I was elated to say the least—about preaching the gospel, that is. Finally, I would be significant.
Prayer? Eh-h . . . prayer meant staying in that invisible, insignificant place I loathed.
But I did it. I prayed because I needed something I couldn’t get on my own and prayer was a means to that end. I prayed because Jesus said I was supposed to. That's what Christians do. I kept praying while my longing to be seen as worthy, waged constant war against the fear of being seen and my worthlessness exposed. I prayed until heartache and despair finally propelled me past the mundane spiritual disciplines of prayer, and into the secret place of intimacy with God.
I say secret because God calls it secret. He loves being up close and very personal. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret . . . (Matthew 6:6). Meeting with Him is my 24/7 safe place where "It's just me and You, God, and You and me", and my invisible is visible, and my deficiencies meet His sufficiency, and my self-rejection meets total acceptance. It's in our secret times together that God and I have wrestled and hashed through the many details of my identity and worth . . . and it's where we will work out everything else from here on.
And to think I wanted to bypass this invisible womb of prayer, where the most intricate work in hearts is accomplished! To be seen and heard by God is everything. It’s where the weak, base, foolish . . . and those of least importance intimately connect with Him (1 Corinthians 1:27-28), and where our anxious souls learn to patiently listen for His voice. The secret place is also where He makes His secrets and mysteries known to those who will make the effort to listen [Things are hidden temporarily only as a means to revelation.] For there is nothing hidden except to be revealed, nor is anything [temporarily] kept secret except in order that it may be made known. If any man has ears to hear, let him be listening . . . (Mark 4:22-23 AMP). It's where our tearful wrestling with Him shifts us into who He already sees when He looks at us, and where He perfectly equips us for our God-breathed callings (Hebrews 5:5-10 AMP). Last, but not in any way least, it's where He hones our spiritual weapon of prayer (Ephesians 6:10-18), and our authority increases so we can partner with Him to usher in the Kingdom of God (James 5:17-18, Revelation 5:8).
I share all this in case someone reading might also be feeling invisible, insignificant, or slighted somehow in life. Or perhaps you're stuck in the mindset that prayer is solely a means to make your specific requests known to God, or it's a discipline we must tolerate as Christians. These are lonely and painful places to live. But be encouraged! The good news is, we don’t have to stay there. I have tasted and enjoyed the sweetness of freedom—to be me, to accept me, to like me. And it was accomplished in my secret times with the Lord. Though my healing is still a work in process, He calls it a good work and promises He will complete it in me. And in you.
So, if you’re needing to hash some things out with Him, go to your secret place . . . He's there, waiting for you.
Photo by Amy Tran on Unsplash